Few realize there is always a sexual component at work in a family but that sexual component must be understood and accepted as part of the natural growth of children, especially daughters, in the midst of their parents and siblings.
The power behind the sexual realization of a daughter in a family belongs to the mother and not the father. The mother is the sexual ideal modeled for the daughter -- that doesn't mean sexual intercourse -- it simply means the daughter learns how to interact and grow on greater level of femininity while discovering for herself a deeper form of human intimacy.
There is a watershed moment in every family when the feminine-sexual
center of the family must transfer from mother to daughter and while
the timeline that change takes in a family can vary, that subtle
transfer of power must occur in order for the daughter to fully realize
her central role in her current and future family and as an invested
member of society.
The transfer of sexual power to a daughter happens in small steps. Her
emotions mature. The daughter grows and her body changes. She may wear
make-up. Her intellect grows.
She learns the difference between boys and girls. Her morality deepens. She learns how to attract attention and how to keep that attention once it is given to her.
The problem in some families -- beyond recognizing the natural power change from mother to daughter and allowing it to happen -- comes when the mother understands the transfer of power but refuses to relinquish the sexual power in the house by choosing to compete with the burgeoning daughter. Instead of naturally dressing more conservatively and deferring to the daughter in beauty and in the power of attracting, the mother pursues a more insidious path and dresses younger than her age, flirts with her daughter's boyfriends and treats the daughter like a friend instead of a daughter. When that unfortunate motherly choice happens, the hierarchy of the family is forever wounded and few families recover from the mother-daughter juggernaut over the sexual core of the family.
That necessary transfer of power gives the daughter greater life and, for mothers who live in the identity of being only a sexual being, a slow death can take over the mother's persona if she is unwilling to give up what rightfully belongs in nature to the daughter. Mothers who successfully make the transfer of power know that ageing and greying are the evolutionary paths of life into grandparenthood and elder respect, but some mothers are unwilling to accept their necessary predetermined loss of physical youth and unrestrained power.
Daughters who are forced to compete with their mothers for the sexual center of the home as they mature are forced to choose between two awful paths: Fight the mother head-on for a power struggle that never really ends, but always results in a destruction of the mother-daughter-family triad; or she can remain powerless, indecisive and infantilized in the family structure and sexless in social interactions on the grand human level.
All children need to be given their birthright to become more powerful and more beautiful than their parents and it is the innate requirement of each parent to give their children open paths to all the avenues of success -- even on the sexual level -- because the acquiescence of power and attraction in the name of youth is formed in the being of their hopeful children.
She learns the difference between boys and girls. Her morality deepens. She learns how to attract attention and how to keep that attention once it is given to her.
The problem in some families -- beyond recognizing the natural power change from mother to daughter and allowing it to happen -- comes when the mother understands the transfer of power but refuses to relinquish the sexual power in the house by choosing to compete with the burgeoning daughter. Instead of naturally dressing more conservatively and deferring to the daughter in beauty and in the power of attracting, the mother pursues a more insidious path and dresses younger than her age, flirts with her daughter's boyfriends and treats the daughter like a friend instead of a daughter. When that unfortunate motherly choice happens, the hierarchy of the family is forever wounded and few families recover from the mother-daughter juggernaut over the sexual core of the family.
That necessary transfer of power gives the daughter greater life and, for mothers who live in the identity of being only a sexual being, a slow death can take over the mother's persona if she is unwilling to give up what rightfully belongs in nature to the daughter. Mothers who successfully make the transfer of power know that ageing and greying are the evolutionary paths of life into grandparenthood and elder respect, but some mothers are unwilling to accept their necessary predetermined loss of physical youth and unrestrained power.
Daughters who are forced to compete with their mothers for the sexual center of the home as they mature are forced to choose between two awful paths: Fight the mother head-on for a power struggle that never really ends, but always results in a destruction of the mother-daughter-family triad; or she can remain powerless, indecisive and infantilized in the family structure and sexless in social interactions on the grand human level.
All children need to be given their birthright to become more powerful and more beautiful than their parents and it is the innate requirement of each parent to give their children open paths to all the avenues of success -- even on the sexual level -- because the acquiescence of power and attraction in the name of youth is formed in the being of their hopeful children.
I had to read this several times. My mother, I guess, turned "dowdy" as I aged and let me have the sexual identity of the house. I never felt any tension between us.
Thanks for leaping in here, Simmering!
I know this is a touchy kind of post and it may even be misunderstood a bit, but I'm glad you are taking the point of its intention.
Most of this exchange of familial power is invisible and it happens naturally. When there is a struggle, however, between mother and daughter, its roots can usually be traced back to the mother's refusal to acquiesce power to the daughter.
Does the same thing happen between fathers and sons?
I think the dynamic between fathers and sons is more open and automatic. A father usually, from the day the son is born, teaches and gives the power of knowledge and sexual identity along with encouragement to blaze and conquer.
It's an easier path, at times, for fathers and sons than for daughters and mothers, though the male-to-male power struggle can be just as vicious as the female-to-female dynamic but it is usually more easily understood and accepted in a familial and societal context when things go awry.
It is tough for boys and dads, too even though the process is more expected and I understand you're talking about the female dynamic today.
I'm with you Simmering!
Thank you for taking the narrow point of my argument today on its own terms!
Veery interesting, especially because in my family dynamic the "natural transfer" did not happen. I'm an only child and my parents have 17 years difference between them. My mother never exuded any kind of sexual power. Whilst being quite feminine, she never demonstrated any of the qualities or actions you speak/write of. We never had "the talk," and it was only muuuch later that there was an acknowledgement of my feminity and it was really because I "grabbed" it all on my own. I wonder if had I had siblings the dynamics would have played out the same. My suspicion is not.
musings!
I'm on my way out for a moment or two -- but I wanted to say "thanks" for the comment right now and to warn you I will have more questions for you soon!
:grin:
Okay, musings, I'm back!
Can you give some more examples from your growing up into your own definition of sexuality? Do you feel there are any pieces of you missing today?
Did your mother dress appropriately or was she in competition with you?
How did you earn your sexual womanhood in society if not through your mother?
Did your sexual power come naturally to you or did you have to model someone else in your life to get there?
Siblings usually carry on their own intra-fights for sexual attention and leadership of the family with the older children usually taking the lead role and everyone else then finding a specific niche in the sexual hierarchy of the household.
I remember going over to pick up a date way back when and her mother met me at the door and was on me and kissing me and hugging me and LOOKING AT ME -- you know what I mean -- and I found it so odd back then, especially when her daughter was not around.
When her daughter finally came into the room, she slinked past her mother and past me and waited on the front stoop for me to follow her out. We never discussed what happened and she became herself again when we got into the car but I wonder if I had just asked her back then "what was that all about?" if she would have been comfortable enough and aware enough to explain the misery of her life under a sexually domineering mother.
Wow... awkward!
My mother and I never had any problems like that. I wonder if the stability of the marriage has something to do with it. My parents have been married for 35 years, and my mother never dressed too young for her age. If anything, I think she wishes I would dress up more, do more with my makeup.
She has the traditional Southern Belle thing of not going out of the house without makeup on. I used to be that way, but then I went to a women's college where most of my classmates and I would roll out of bed put on sweatpants, pull our hair back in a ponytail and go to class! :D My mother still finds that appalling!
But all in all, my mother and I are very close. I'm not ashamed to say that, and I know I'm lucky to have that kind of relationship.
Carla --
I wonder if your Southern culture assumes this naturalization of sexual power as a requirement of geographic identity. Coming Out parties and Debutant Balls and Cotillions other presentations of females into society are established markers that a daughter has become the sexual core of her family -- whether the mother likes it or not!
You are lucky you weren't tortured by your mother. I know so many young women who, to this day, are still bothered by the lack of support from their mother growing into womanhood.
The Debutant Balls and Cotillions are exclusively upper class.
Thank God I didn't have to endure that!
Oh, that's interesting, Carla, so you never had any sort of formal presentation to society?
Hmmm... the sort of female 'competition' you refer to is sourced in paternalism. Look back at some of the matriarchal socieities and you will see more "community" and less competitive/combative hierarchy. Frequently age is honoured for its own sort of power and beauty (wisdom) in these societies.
Thanks for the comment sybillant!
well, I guess the first thing that comes to mind is the baptism at church, but other than that... no.
Harr! Baptism is not quite the same thing as taking on your sexual power!
:mrgreen:
Yeah, I didn't think so... :lol:
Although, those youth group trips during my teenage years were sexally charged... :lol:
oops... sexually
Oh, youth groups are another coming-of-age story entirely!
:mrgreen:
David:
wow! I should really check your blog more often...anyway here's some answers for ya:
>Can you give some more examples from your growing up into your own definition of >sexuality? Do you feel there are any pieces of you missing today?
Oddly, I have an interesting view on sexuality. I was very sexually agressive in my youth and I suppose it came mostly from my fear of emotional intimacy and possibly from just wanting to "get the guy." I don't believe there are any missing pieces today. I have matured emotionally and am very open to other people's sexualities. What I mean by that is that whatever works for you and makes you happy is fine by me.
>Did your mother dress appropriately or was she in competition with you?
She always dressed appropriately and was *never* in competition with me. We are fairly close (given the age difference between her and my dad) and she has a unique perspective on rearing. She is fiercely independent and has transferred that to me. She is also somewhat overprotective and we've had our share of spats.
>How did you earn your sexual womanhood in society if not through your mother?
>Did your sexual power come naturally to you or did you have to model someone >else in your life to get there?
Good questions. I suppose I did earn it through her, but I feel that I may have received some qualities from her, but mostly modeled my own from a variety of sources. Let me put it to you this way: my mom is highly conservative when it comes to her own sexuality; I am fiercely open-minded.
>I remember going over to pick up a date way back when and her mother met me at >the door and was on me and kissing me and hugging me and LOOKING AT ME — >you know what I mean — and I found it so odd back then, especially when her >daughter was not around.....
*That* never was the case, but I do have friends who experienced the same situation. I consider myself lucky not to have had a similar situation, but I wonder if I had had, how different I would be today.
Wowser, musings!
What great, intimate, responses!
I thank you for sharing your life with us and I am glad you don't feel scarred or neglected and that you accept your life as it is without regret!
Did I say I didn't feel scarred?!? ;-)
I *do* have some regrets, naturally, but those that I do I feel for other reasons...certainly not regarding my approach to sexuality or relationships.
And I do firmly stand by the belief that it is easier to share parts of myself in this oddly anonymous medium, than in other situations.
Nope, you didn't say you were scarred, but there will be some people who read what you wrote and think you must be in some way -- your experience comes of a little rough and cold and lonely -- so I was letting them know you are fine and doing well, thankee!
Your revelations are especially fun coming out of your innocent and highly pink Angelic Avatar! Harr!
Brilliant article David!
I am an only child like Musings too, and I really cannot think about any kind of ''sexual tension'' or ''power transfer'' between me and my mom. As far as I can remember my mom wanted me to be a responsible human being first and I am grateful to her for that. I was a bit tomboyish (I still am!), an athlete, didn't really care much about my own sexual prowess till late but while reading your article I can recollect one incident - I would like to share. It was in one of our relative's wedding when we were watching the video together - I was a senior at that point and definitely was looking gorgeous with all those dresses and make up (I still remember how grumpy I was because my mom made me wear some jewelries!!!) and my mom commented - ''now you will rule the world - I am proud of you!"
Was there any faint tone of regret for passing the baton? I don't know!!!
Thank you, Katha!
I think regret is a natural part of saying good-bye to the baby daughter and hello to the woman before you.
If you were in competition with your mother for the sexuality of the home you would have known it because it grinds against your natural instinct to blossom and thrive.
Thank you for being open and sharing your life with us!
very interesting assessment. make me kind of think... you can always tell the mothers (sometimes grandmothers ) who refuse to let the spotlight of of them..usually tell by the number of facelifts and teenager clothing
Thanks for the comment, Dan! You're right about those telltale marks of troubled mothers. Stay away from them and their broken daughters!