False Boundaries and Real Tigers

This is a fine piece of writing, Katha, and it deals with the interesting subject of how men and women interact with each other on a large and intimate basis with assumptions abounding about the other's true hidden intent.

I hope your friend gets back to you with more news about the relationship soon!
:grin:

I am also interested in learning more about the national boundaries you mention in your piece. That would be fascinating information to share!

Thanks David!

While listening to my friend I started visualizing our border sensitivity back home and somehow related with it. We do suffer from some ‘’panic attack’’ as a country sandwiched by three others and there happen to be some ‘’unnecessary casualty’’ too, just because we anticipate trouble, always. I know in reality there are some other issues too, and we just can’t remove the all the national boundaries today……

I couldn’t figure out why my friend is expecting a ‘’trouble’’ where there ‘’none’’ or not a serious one? I had no clue.

India is a fascinating country, Katha, and to be caught between so many "hard rocks" must always call for careful diplomacy.

I hope you will have a chance to ask your friend to clarify his position a bit more -- I think he deserves to tell us the answer!
:grin:

I love it how the association between your friend's problem and the national peril at home became connected for exploration in your mind. That is the sign of a true intellectual!

:D

Thanks David!

It takes two to tango…..and I don’t think a tiger would ever want to go for a ‘’tango’’ or a ‘’ball’’! :D

There should be ‘’boundaries’’ in relationship, but why one has to be so hyper about it? He was not very clear about it (and I didn’t ask in case he thinks that I am trying to invade his privacy) but I think he had some experience in his past which was similar and that scared him. No human relationship can be strictly defined by boundaries; this border sensitivity doesn’t provide anything except tension.

I wonder if your friend has commitment issues.

It would be one thing if the woman wanted to move in and get married after one date, it's another thing to start making some plans for the future after being together for a significant period of time.

If you've dated someone for 7 or 8 months, you should have an idea if you want the relationship to progress further, or if you are just happy dating and keeping it casual.

Sometimes we do things subconsciously (or consciously) because we are unhappy about a relationship.

Maybe your friend isn't ready for a long term relationship, maybe the woman isn't the right one for him, or maybe he's wanting to remain independent.

I'm sure if he was extremely "into her," he'd have no problem being the knight in shining armor ready to solve any of her problems that she might have.

I'd suggest that if they have plan to get married in the future, the couple should undergo some form of pre-marital counseling to ensure that the couple is clear about their goals and what they are looking for in the relationship. Sometimes having a neutral third party can help bring issues to the forefront that couples are often afraid to approach on their own.

Hey Chris, thanks!

I know this guy for last one year, and I know he has a ‘’need for structure’’ for everything in his life – can’t he see that can eventually harm the intimacy?

Or, you are right….he may be unhappy….

I will surely convey your message if I get ever get a chance, if he can overcome his border sensitivity and if we get a chance to talk again.

I like what you say about border tension, Katha. That is quite insightful!

Your friend has obviously been stepped on before by forces he does not yet comprehend and so his defense is to over-analyze and shape his current experience in an opposite container from the one that previously bound him.

You are absolutely correct but the thing is I can’t pinpoint this to him. He has to acknowledge this. If the girl is not right and he is making excuses then I don’t know…..but my gut feeling says it was his past experience that shaped him this way. Sometimes, staying in the gallery as a viewer is too painful…..I wish I could mention this to him – or else he will face the same boundary problem in every relationship.

Sometimes people don't hear the truth the first time it is spoken, Katha, but that doesn't mean we strop trying from helping our friends from drowning in their own falsities.

Try a different method. Ask him questions that only he can answer – or not answer. Sometimes the hard truth lives in the unspoken.

That’s an interesting comment and connection Dave! Thanks! I haven’t thought about it from that angle!

I personally feel he is too guarded, and defensive – always ready and cautious to fight back.

I think he is unnecessary "smelling" trouble.I have never seen him publicly disrespecting her girlfriend but who knows what initiates that border sensitivity?

"Emotional baggage," is something that I just heard from my boyfriend...Previous relationships (good or bad) could leave a scar on both people. Everyone lives their life based on what previously went wrong and learn from it. It is only human nature to act on what you know and went through. I do agree as well about him being scared to commit, but why be in a relationship or keep that person stringing along if he or she doesn't accept everything about that person, good or bad. If this is emotional baggage is doing more harm, then it takes two people to work out the relationship minor problems...He should probably try to help her to get over that emotional baggage instead of sitting there pointing out her faults. I can truly say that I have emotional baggage as well… I have been in terrible relationship from being cheat on, lied to, deceived, you name it I have been through it…But this is the first time I have been in a really good relationship (as far as I know), he treats me well but he believes in unnecessary truth??? Which I feel that it’s not necessary to lie or hold half of a story. In order to get to know someone it is imperative to get to know how the person is with you and other people. How can you love someone and want to share the rest of your life with someone that you only know how he or she acts with you. Everyone has faults and no one is perfect. How are you going to know if the person loves you for who you are truly if you wish not to share with them your LIFE? If a person is flirtatious it is imperative for the partner to know that they are flirtatious and its up to the other person if they wish to be with that person or not..."Honesty if the best policy." Hey if your going to stick with one person for the rest of your life you better know everything about that person...Maybe this is why the divorce rate is so how?? People jump into marriage before getting to know the other person...Man, I just really blabbed..I just had to get that out...

Hi Kitty,

Welcome and thank you for your comment!

I am sorry I took so long to reply; somehow I missed your comment.

My take on it is – a lot of mind reading (…tion, i.e. – assumption, presumption, perception) is going on here which is making this relationship a tight rope walking. It’s pretty sad if you always have to calculate/speculate before speaking in a relationship – it makes the whole thing a ‘no nonsense corporate deal’ minus the human touch.

I think this relationship lacks warmth and openness where things can be put on the table and sorted out.

Bottling things up don’t help. As I have said, “you get what you look for.” If you are always guarded, a pat on the back will feel like a slap.

From my point of view, both of them need a fresh start…all I can do is to wish luck!!!