Brand New End Again

I had no idea how unsatisfied and suffocated I was in my apparently satisfied life style. Life throws surprises in every turn; some of them just catch us off guard. My realization was one of them. When I was young, my initial defense mechanism was to create a brand new start while struggling. I eventually realized starting over was a way of trying to maintain control of my life and it surely didn't pay off. At least, it didn't pay off the way I wanted. I remember after completing my degree in literature the only option I had was teaching but I didn't want to teach then; at least not literature. I knew what I didn't want to do; I had no clue what I wanted to do at that point. I started from scratch. Did I lack contextual intelligence? Oh yeah definitely! By the time I started earning a decent amount of money all my friends were well settled in their life. Now I know what works best while struggling in a situation and that trying to begin a new end with whatever one has, with wherever he is.

I know it sounds confusing; beginning a new end is all about controlling our reactions instead of trying controlling situations. I started feeling suffocated in my work after five years. I knew what I was doing and why I was successful. I was increasing employee performance, reaching targets, saving costs, and procuring the right material. I was doing everything that was needed to be done for the organization to be successful. What I didn't know was where I was heading in my endeavor. I realized I was not learning anything. I felt trapped because I was growing neither professionally or personally. I was losing touch with my family because I was too busy to breathe, my friends started getting married and got busy with their own lives, my existence was fading from their life too. It was then I got up one fine morning and discovered myself facing a big question mark.

What am I doing? Where am I going? I didn't have any answer. I was even more puzzled I didn't seem to sense myself any more. I asked one more question -- Am I happy? I felt equally blank. I knew I needed a change, a push. The final nail in the coffin -- my engagement broke. At first I again started planning for a brand new start: A new job, new place, new home, new relationship. Then I was overwhelmed by my own demand for all the new in my life. My question became Will I grow? What will I learn? What about pursuing a higher study further? My inner voice said from the outside. That won't be a new start, you have already completed your degree! You have been there!

True, I thought, but what about a new end? I remembered an e-mail from an old friend of mine who was studying in the United States at that point. He wrote I think you will like this place and its people, why don't you give it a try? Instead of making a new start, I started from where I was, with whatever I had and looked forward to a brand new end. I started preparing for the tests, applying to different universities, organizing all paper work to obtain my visa, along with my work. I felt alive. I was grateful to my friend for showing me the way. He saved me from vegetating from the inside out. I am once again in college as a student in a different country, in a different culture, still a bit insecure but hey, you know what? I am now finally certain about a new end. When I look back after twenty years this American period will be one of the best of my life. I am looking forward to that "end."