Big Brother 9: Shitty Shorts and Poopy Panties

I am a fan of Big Brother on CBS television even though the "reality show" is filled with miscreants, the dishonorable, and the verifiably wacky. Each season of Big Brother descends deeper into debauchery and a cruel malfeasance blasted on everyone within eyeshot and earshot of each other -- and while one recoils from the idea of actually watching the disassembly of lives in real time -- one cannot help but find delight in the evolutionary machinations of a house full of people fighting each other for a $500,000.00 USD prize. This year's Big Brother is the first "winter" edition, but that doesn't mean the show, or the people starring in it, are any better than the previous summertime versions. Season 9 holds the worse bunch of houseguests in history, and here's part of the reason why. There is one houseguest named Allison -- she was evicted live on the show last night -- who was particularly monstrous. She picked fights with every houseguest and blamed them for her irritation with them. She pretended to be a lesbian in the house to get in good with the Gay men -- she later claimed faking her sexuality was a joke.

The most memorable Allison moment was not something she did to someone else, but rather when she was called out on her "Shitty Shorts" and her "Poopy Panties" -- yes, we don't curse on this blog, but sometimes a reality show demands the quoted truth of the language -- in the same way she attacked others. The difference, however, was that the Poop offensive was based on reality, and not fantasy, and there has never been a sweeter confrontation in the house. It all started in the kitchen when several of the boys were standing around yapping about the women in the house when one guy mentioned he saw Allison the other day walking around with a "shit stain" on her shorts. The rest of the guys roared with laughter and -- on cue and always sensing the invocation of her name -- Allison appeared to confront the "Shitty Shorts" and "Poopy Panties" nicknames that had instantly replaced her real name. Allison challenged the group -- as was always her want to confront anything in the house just so she could get off on the sound of her own harpy voice -- and said she "never had shit on her pants" and vowed to prove it. The boys egged her on for the evidence and Allison left the kitchen and headed into her bedroom to bring all her panties, shorts and pants out for a "Poop Inspection" on the kitchen counter. What Allison failed to remember is that Big Brother provides a 24/7 live video stream of the house from many camera angles. If you were watching the scene unfold live on the internet, as I was, you saw Allison go into her bedroom, check all her panties, shorts and pants for poo stains -- and then toss one of them behind a piece of furniture -- before returning to the kitchen with her pile of clothes. Allison challenged the boys to find her "Shitty Shorts" and "Poopy Panties" and together they all did a sniff test and a visual inspection for skid marks and no one could find the stinky evidence -- because Allison had already found the stank and hid it in the bedroom! Allison then extracted, one-by-one, a non-heartfelt apology from each of the boys for accusing her of "having shit on my pants." As Allison left the room with her armful of clothes, the boys looked at each other and sniggered because they suspected what we already knew: Allison always has a stink about her -- Shitty Shorts and Poopy Panties or not -- and no jiggered evidence in the world could ever remove the smell she left behind.